Pampering Session Needed

I have decided I just want one day to myself without children. Maybe I could go get my hair done and go out to lunch. Having a day to myself sounds so wonderful right now. I suppose I should use my 16 hours of respite care for little man, so I can have a day to myself. It's getting past leaving him at daycare, in all honesty I would rather be able to give him to someone I know and trust. Another week has past and yet it still feels like it is going by so slowly. Honestly were keeping busy and the days seem to pass by quickly enough. I miss my husband and want him to come home safely to our family. Maybe next payday I will take myself out.

Love and Missing my wonderful husband!

Violence in Iraq

Had a good time at church today as well as an amzing time at a Halloween party. I only wish my husband was home to enjoy it with us. He did get to see the children in their halloween costumes today as we were on Skype. I only worry because I found out that their was some extreme violence in Baghdad. I know he is currently safe, I just hate knowing elections are coming up in Iraq and I can only imagine the violence is going to get worse. I would rather he was home with our family!

I love and miss him and continuously pray for his safe return to our family.

Till Next Time!

Throwing My Tantrum

How am I going to manage to get through this deployment. I am tired of taking care of our three children on my own, it is un-nerving to have to listen to the girls fight continuously and Isaac whine or throw tantrums. I don't want to do it anymore, I didn't have these three children by myself and yet I am always having to play a single mother. This has been a rough week, I often wonder if my children will ever appreciate what I do for them. The dance lessons, swim lesson, festivals and other activities we do.

Will my husband ever have the opportunity to see on a first hand basis what I have to go through? With each passing day I become more and more irritable. I mean I am doing things a lot differently this deployment. I am keeping myself and our children very active. Yet I constantly feel as though it is not enough as others are asking me to do things for them as well. Days like these I just want to throw in the towel and run away! Instead I just endure and keep going knowing I have to get through the day and hopefully tomorrow will be different.

Eruption of Anger Possible

Alright so I didn't do much of anything today. I did get the children to the YMCA for their swim lessons and Itty Bitty Sports. However while Isaac was learning to play soccer him and another little boy began to argue back and forth one saying "YES" and the other saying "NO" but then the next thing I saw before I could Isaac to calm down this other little boy slapped my son across the face. I was really angry, because as a parent had my child slapped their child he would have been apologizing but the little boys parents were just laughing about it and just sat him out the remainder of the time. Am I expecting to much as a parent.

I am already having a difficult time keeping my anger in control while my husband is gone but it is to the point where I think I may wind up getting into a physical altercation with someone! I don't believe violence resolves anything, however I honestly feel as though are youth are being raised in a violent and awful enviornment anymore. It is to the point I have even been contemplating home schooling my children.

What do I do with all the anger and irritability I have within me. I have been working out but it doesn't seem to be helping as much as it used to. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Bear Hug Needed

Today has been a struggle, I had some difficult conversations and then I wound up at the YMCA for shrimps and red's swim lessons without shrimps swim trunks. I felt so awful, I mean he is only three years old and was devastated he couldn't swim. I am thinking it may be best to place some extra swim clothes in the car for shrimp. It's sad because it seems the littlest things seem to bring me down. Right now I could really use a big bear hug from the love of my life (aka My Husband).

Shrimp Misses Daddy

In all honesty I wish my husband was home right now. These past few days have been very difficult. Shrimp seems to be becoming more and more out of control. I know he wants his daddy home, Sunday during church he turned to me and said "I want my daddy." It was so heart breaking and then every evening when he blesses the food, he asks for his daddy to come home. I don't know what to do, he has so many things which keep him close to his daddy. Everyday he is able to see daddy on Skype and then he had a video he watches before going to bed where daddy is reading him a story.
How am I going to get through this next year with my little boy's heart breaking. He also gets very upset when somebody leaves and he isn't able to say the goodbye he wants. I hate seeing my children hurt so much and not be able to relieve their pain. I don't know how much longer I can handle being an Army Wife. My children I find need their daddy.

Till Next Time

Another Week

So it has been another long week, I am really feeling the need to have my husband home. I miss him terribly and wish I had my other half here to help me with our children. Maybe I have taken on to much, I haven't been having much success with blogging daily. I did manage to get some items posted on ebay! Now I only hope I can make some money off these items. It would be nice to be able to start making payments on my loans. I have also been making certain we attend church every week, our children seem to enjoy it. I can only hope they enjoy it as much when they become teenagers.
It is Monday and another week begins of swim lessons, dance lessons and itty bitty sports. Hopefully I will also be able to get some more tasks accomplished as well. I was only able to workout 4 times last week and I really want to get 5 times in this week. I also need to get the bathrooms cleaned! Send off my wonderful husbands care package and hope others will begin sending him stuff as well.
I love and miss my husband so much and can't wait until we are in each others arms again! One more week down and way to many left!

Chat with you later

Off To My Other Home

Alright, once again I am headed to my other home (YMCA). Sometimes I just wish I could stay at home the whole day without having to do anything. My life is so crazy, hectic and revolves so much around my children. Welcome to the life of motherhood with school age children. Today they have dance lessons, hopefully they have a great time. This morning I forgot to turn off my alarm again, so I woke up at 6:30 and was attempting to get back to sleep when my husband texted and said he was online. This was around 6:45, he forgot it was Saturday. I had to let him go because I was so exhausted. I feel so awful when I don't stay and chat with him. What is even worse is that I couldn't even get back to sleep. I do have to say I am grateful I haven'thad to take sleeping pills this deployment. (so far)

Well I better get going, because I know parking is going to be miserable. Hopefully not as bad as last Saturday!

First Showing of Blog Love

I just got my first comment and it was from my husband!! Yay, see I told you he was a wonderful and caring man. Today has been a very busy day as you can tell I am not blogging until evening time. I was able to get some much needed errands run and now I am preparing to sit down and watch some TV. I also am hoping to get some laundry done as well. Tomorrow I am going to post my items on Ebay! If I say it here, then I know it will happen. Yeah right, just like I said I would post every day my husband was deployed. I love you my handsome man and I am waiting for the day we are reunited!

Now to take care of some house hold chores!

Goals to Accomplish

I know I have been MIA for a few days, I am also feeling like such a complete disappointment. I had so many great ideas and goals to achieve while my husband was deployed and one of them was this blog. I wanted to blog every day and I have not been doing well at all. When I make certain I do it first thing in the morning then it gets accomplished but the last few mornings I just forgot. I hate the feeling of failure. Some of the other goals I want to accomplish while he is deployed include starting up my ebay business again, learning some form of dance, working out 5 days a week at least, learning to sew and most importantly making certain I get packages sent off to my husband and I also want to begin training to run a half marathon at this point.

I honestly wish their more hours in the day. It seems like everyday I have something scheduled and I am never able to get much accomplished. My bathrooms still need to be cleaned and I also need to get down on my hands and knees and scrub the dining room floors. Basically I guess I am saying regular life is complicating my extra curricular life. LOL So many things to do and so little time. I will def. be keeping you informed as to how well I do with the things I want to accomplish over these next several months.

Intentional Avoidance

I missed another day of posting. How lame can I get? Yesterday was a good day, I finally got a chance to talk to my husband and it looks like we won't be arguing about the stupid idea I came up with to pay my loans off anymore.(Hopefully) The children and I managed to get to church as well, which we desperately needed. Saturday night was an awful night as I couldn't sleep worth crud because I knew my husband was intentionally avoiding me. It is sad when your husband is in Iraq and you can still tell when he doesn't want to talk to you. So another week has passed and I can only hope and pray the weeks will continue to pass so quickly. I am looking forward to R and R. It can't come quickly enough.

Today is a new day and a new week filled with YMCA activities as well as lots of FRG functions. Honey you are in my constant prayers and I pray you will remain safe and observant to everything around you!

Looking Back

Will I ever stop making stupid decisions? I don't know what to say for myself, however when you find yourself in a financial predicament you will find whatever method you can to get the money. These past few days since finding out about the status of my student loans I have come up with some normally unfathomable ideas of how to pay them off. It is difficult because I don't want to live the rest of my life in debt. Sometimes I wish I could join the military and they would pay off my student loans, however I know that is impossible. So that option is out. No, I would never rob or steal from somebody! I want to earn the money honestly. I feel as though their is nothing I can do. Then when I get in this state it feels like nothing I do is ever right and I wind up hurting everybody who is around me. I also begin questioning the decisions I have made in my life and it seems like I have done everything all wrong.

Is anything salvagable now or am I going to lose everything? I know this is putting a burden on my whole family and I am at a loss as to what to do. I honestly believe I may lose everything. The only person I have to blame is myself, I should have went back to work once we moved up to Washington. There are so many things I should have done differently! If only...

Unconditional Love

What is unconditional love and is their really anyone who can actually give someone unconditional love? I sit here and ponder this because all the relationships I have had in my life have ended up in heart break. Now it seems like when I need somebody the most, their is nobody their. I attempt to talk to my husband and he says he doesn't want to talk to me when I am in this kind of mood. Which makes me realize he doesn't love me unconditionally and would rather run away from me! I think that is part of the reason he enlisted in the military, because he was running away. Maybe it is because I just demand to much. Yet with everything that has happened between my mother and my sister in the past few weeks, I feel as though it is alright to ask for a little more. I will admit I need love and validation from those left around me who care about me. Right now I want nothing more than to feel loved and to be told I am doing well in the situation I am currently in.

I know unconditional love come from Heavenly Father and yet I feel so alone.

Student Loan Hell

Today is a better day, I didn't wake up vomiting last night. I can still hear my intestines working over time on occasion though. Now I am just hoping my husband and love of my life will get online soon, so we can chat. I also need to get some house work accomplished. It seems it is going to be a busy, busy day. The children are also home from school today and tomorrow as it is Teacher Inservice days. I suppose they are preparing for fall conferences.

Right now I am stressed about the payment of my student loans. I wish I could have been like my husband and went into the military to have all my student loans paid for. It has been a struggle to come up with the money to make any type of attempt to pay them off. I have some loans in forebearance but these ones were through the school and were not placed in forebearance. It is such a struggle as I have managed to keep up with all our other bills and yet my student loans always get pushed aside. Often times I think my husband doesn't give a rats ass. As long as his our in good standing and the military is paying for them then who cares about his wives. Alright enough purging, maybe if I make a payment of some kind it won't get sent even further.

Sick

Sick, Sick, Sick is all I can say about yesterday and today. I only hope I can begin feeling better today.

Sick in Bed

I honestly wish that whatever has taken over my body would leave. I am exhausted, nauseated and have no energy what so ever. I don't even feel like eating or drinking the majority of the time, so I have to force myself to do it. The evening wasn't to bad yesterday, but I still had the nauseous feeling. I had been feeling so ill yesterday that when my husband and I got on Skype I wasn't able to chat with him for very long because all I wanted to do was sleep. Which means I must be really ill. I just want to feel well again and be able to get out and do my normal routine. I am suppose to go out with several friends today but I think I am going to have to cancel.

Sleep I guess is the best thing for me right now. It just seems impossible with a 3 year old in the house. Hopefully none of my children get what I have, as it is miserable. This illness also makes me wish my husband was home with me. I truly could use his love and support right now. I miss him so darn much.

Till Tomorrow

Sleep Deprivation

I am so exhausted and I feel as though I have been run over by a freight train. It takes me forever to get to sleep at night and then I wake up off and on through out the evening. I just wish I could get a full nights sleep. I do have medication to help me sleep but then I am fearful I will not wake up if one of my children need me, so I don't take it. So this morning although I was awoken by receiving a text message at 5:30 this morning I forced myself to go back to sleep until 8:30. I need some rest, I have been getting way to irritable and I can feel myself losing control which is not a good thing. I have also decided most of my day today will be spent relaxing by reading a book. I don't have anything to do until 1500 this afternoon. 3:00 p.m. for civilians. Of course I will feed my son and make certain he gets what he needs but otherwise I need to do this so I stop losing control. By the way I was able to get the girls up at 6:30 and off to school.

I am hoping by just letting my body relax today that it will get me through this week. The girls don't have school on Thursday or Friday either, so we all should be able to rest as well.

Till Tomorrow!

Living Vicariously In the Past

Alright so I missed a day, what a disappointment. In all honesty though, I have been so busy. Yesterday I had a tattoo and body piercing party, it was such a blast. I had friends from High School who I have not seen in 12 years come and have some tattoo work done. Some of them just came to visit. It was such fun, to get together and remember our youth. I can't believe how good some of their memories are. It was such a good day and I even managed to get my belly button pierced, which was slightly painful! This is going to be one of those memories I hope I never forget. I only wish several of my other friends had been able to make it. It truly felt good to catch up with one another and in a since to relive the old days when we were young and had no cares. Now life has caught up with us and we all have had our struggles or may even still be struggling with something. I can't believe how much we have grown up because when we all got together it seemed as though we had never been separated.

It makes me also appreciate the new friends I have in my life! I have been so blessed and I think I am just now beginning to realize how much I have been blessed!

Fantastic Day

Headed to bed but had a wonderful day today. Thank you honey for singing to me and making me cry like a baby. It was great to hear you sing "I'm Already There."

I love and miss you so dang much. Gotta get some sleep so I can be ready for the Tattoo and Body Piercing party tomorrow.

Generosity Is Such A Blessing

Tonight I went to our first FRG (family readiness group) pay day dinner. A few of us ladies went to Olive Garden and were just able to unwind and relax with other women who have something in common. It was also nice to get away from my children and make me realize how much I do love and appreciate them. Thank you Kaylin for watching them, you are such a wonderful friend! I only hope I am able to return the generosity.

My handsome man, I truly wish their wasn't a reason for us wives to go out and participate in pay day dinners. I wish it had been you and I out on a date! I miss you desperately, it is so difficult being separated from you. I truly hope you are doing well, I am hoping I am able to get a care package off to you tomorrow. I suppose I should let you know I wasn't able to remember what books you wanted me to send you. I went to the book store this evening and all the books looked the same. I want so much to bring you happiness and yet I feel as though I am failing in such small ways as the one mentioned above. I love you my dear handsome husband, best friend and lover.

Till Tomorrow