Quick Update

Alright just a quick update as I really need to get to bed and get some rest. It was a pretty uneventful day, I went grocery shopping and then had the girls over again tonight. Sarah made us dinner which was fantabulous! Kaylin brought the humor once again, which we can always use when our loved ones are deployed. Now I need to get some sleep so I can wake up in the morning and get the girls off to school!

Till tomorrow.

Lack of Sleep Equals Irritability

Today has been one of those days where I just want to place a pillow over my head and scream until I can't scream any longer! It seems when you get one child healthy, the next child winds up ill. All I can do today is scream at my children. I just want peace and quiet to come. Exhaustion has begun to set in and when I am overly tired I become extremely irritable. Today I was suppose to have my counseling appointment, however since our son was sick last night I had to cancel it. I really need my counseling, it helps me function on a regular basis. I also needed to vent about so many things. Like the fact that my husband was deployed so soon after completing his last deployment. Why, why was his Brigade selected? How do you remain in a marriage when it appears every other year we will be faced with a separation. All I want is my husband here to help me deal with the functioning of our home and the raising of our children.

Being a military wife their are days where you wish you weren't a military wife. Today is one of those days where I just wish my husband was at a regular job and worked normal hours and would come through the door at the end of the day! Don't get me wrong, I truly admire my husbands sacrifice however I often feel as though the sacrifices of our soldiers families are forgotten. Right now I am wondering what life would be like if my husband was just a civilian. I miss my husband and just wish he was able to hold and kiss me right now. I know civilian life has its own complications, often times though I wish I didn't have to deal with the daily fear of knowing my husband is over in Iraq (fighting to remain alive).

I think I need some sleep. Till tomorrow.

Longing For Evenings Together

My Dearest Handsome Husband:

I truly love the evenings and yet I also despise them. I love them because it is my time to relax without any interupptions. Our children are in bed sleeping peacefully the television is all mine. The evenings are also miserable because this is the time we would normally have for one another. We would sit down and watch a show together or we would just curl up in bed with one another. During the evenings it also leads me to think about things which could happen, I don't want anything to happen to you. I miss you so much and long for nothing more than your safe return to my arms.

It was so wonderful to be able to see you on Skype today. Little man was still talking about seeing you on the computer this evening. We even managed to get our web cam to work properly so we had to test it out and he was so excited to see himself and be able to try out numerous facial expressions. Our oldest was so sad she wasn't able to see you, she felt left out and I felt so bad for her. I hope next time she won't be in school and she will be able to see you. Red, should be headed back to school tomorrow. She loved seeing you as well and I think it made her feel all the more better.

I am so exhausted and I didn't even do much of anything today. It seems having a sick child leads to a mother who manages to just sit down and watch television for the majority of the day. I am hoping tomorrow I am able to accomplish more, I have my counseling appointment and then I am hoping to get to the gym as well. Thanks for contacting us today, it made my day!

Spaghetti Dominos,
Melissa

Remaining Close While Separated

Wow, another week has passed since I last saw the love of my life, the most wonderful man! Sometimes I feel as though the days are passing by quickly and yet the weeks are passing by so slowly. Knowing I will not be seeing my husband again for quite some time I am always looking for ways to remain close to him. Some of the methods I have been using include wearing his shirts to bed. Their is nothing more wonderful than slipping into my husbands shirt right before going to bed and feeling as though he is lying right next to me. I know it is not the same as having him here, however it makes me feel better! Also wearing his dog tags daily, keeps him in my mind constantly. I will wear them until he safely returns home to my arms.

I suppose the biggest and greatest reminder of my husband is having our children near me. I can't help but looking into each of my childen's eyes and seeing him reflected in them. It is also seen in their behavior, my oldest daughter loves to fart and then laugh hysterically. Such lady like behaivor! LOL My middle daughter is so close to her daddy and is often lost without him, I love seeing the love she has for her daddy. Of course their is our son who looks exactly like his daddy and has the same sense of humor. He loves to make others laugh! I know as we go throughout this deployment we will find other ways to become closer to one another.

Damon, if you are reading this I love you and miss you desperately!

Support From Amazing Friends

Right now I am sitting here with two of my amazing friends. We have been laughing and having an hysterical time. My friend Sarah advised me that I should begin this blog by telling you that I forgot to turn off the alarm to my cell phone and then she proceeded to tell me to tell you how I woke up this morning, well duh I woke up to my alarm! LOL I am down to one child this evening, the other two are spending the night at a friends home! It is so quiet with just little man here. My fun and laughter with my friends has come to a halt as my other friend Kaylin is on the phone with her mother. It is so nice being able to have such great friends to rely on. Sarah's husband is also deployed and Kaylin is my neigbor from across the street. We are an ecclectic bunch of women. While your loved one is deployed I have found it very important to have a good support group with which you can rely on for anything.

Passing The Time With A Routine

Life has been busy, busy, busy around here. I attempt to keep myself and the children going all the time, so the time my husband and their daddy is gone will go by more quickly. It seems to work pretty effectively, however when the end of the day comes I just want to collapse and fall asleep. Yet when my head hits the pillow sleep does not come. It takes awhile for me to get to sleep and then on most nights it is a restless sleep where I wake up off and on again. Recently I have been contemplating taking my sleeping pills again but then my fear is not being fully functional in the morning for our children. I suppose time will tell me what I need to do.

A typical day for me involves going to the gym in the morning for an 1 and a half -2 hours after I get my daughters off to school. After the gym my little man and I come home and make lunch, put him down for a nap, wait for the girls to get home and then it is off to the YMCA for swim lessons. After swim lessons, it is time to come home and make dinner. Of course their is no typical day in our lives as we usually have other activities which come up that get added to the day. Like last night I took my children to see the movie Fame. It was a pretty decent movie, however not as good as I anticipated it would be. Still free movies are always wonderful! Today I am going to try out Yoga for the first time with a friend whose husband is also deployed with my husband right now.

Some days are more of a struggle than other days, yet I try to make the best of each day. I am learning to cope with stress more effectively as a result. Blogging seems to be an effective way of purging my emotions whether the be angry, sad, disappointed, happy, or humorous etc. It will also give my husband the opportunity to see what I am dealing with each day.

Lonely Christmas Ahead

I must want to be punished. I don't know what I have done so wrong in my life to deserve what I am going through right now. Why can't I just write my family off and say whatever! Apparently all I do is see everything in black and white and their is no gray in my distinctions (my mother's words). See my mother decided to call me this past Sunday and we had an argument, which began because she informed me that my sister, her daughter, my mother and my brother have decided to go to Disney World for Christmas, here is the kicker my sister is footing the bill for all of it. My thought is, isn't it kind of them to leave me and my children home for the holidays by ourselves. I am very angry about this whole situation, so I just let everything which was bothering me flow out!

My sister decided to celebrate this past 4th of July ar her house, which in the beginning was suppose to be celebrated at my home. However because of my mother's and sister's financial concerns they thought it would be best if we met at my sisters home. Which we did and which resulted in the most awful 4th of July I have ever experienced in my life. My sister didn't buy anything for the BBQ and she didn't find a firework display we could take our children to. When I first got there and went to the restroom, I washed my hands and noticed the hand towel appeared to be dirty so I asked if I could switch it out and her response was: It's not dirty, it is just stained. So I said alright and didn't mention anything about it again. I decided to leave there first thing on the morning of the 5th, as she made me and my children feel so uncomfortable and unwanted. Since that time I have not heard from her other than through my mother who has informed me that Erica is very upset with me for putting down her home! Fine whatever, she hasn't told me she has a problem with me and I am not about to call her and confront her.
Sunday though I decided after my mother informed me that her and my sister were going on vacation together again, I would end my silence and call my sister. I left her a very colorful message which included a tremendous amount of cussing.

This is not the only thing which came out during my conversation with my mother however, at the age of 17 my mother and her boyfriend at the time kicked me out so I lived with my boyfriend and his mother for the rest of my Junior and Senior year. Still managing to graduate with honors. Then when I was 26 years old I attempted suicide which landed me in the hospital for 5 days and my mother didn't even come up to make certain I was alright. Although she was in Eugene celebrating my sister's birthday and was only 4 hours away! Then when my husband and I invited her to go with us to Disneyland and we would pay, she absoultely refused to go with us, however several years later she went with my sister and her daughter. So in my thought process I honestly believe she favors my sister over me, however she doesn't see it that way. She says she invited Damon and I to go with them on their vacations, which is def. not true of Disneyland and as for Disneyworld it was only as an after thought. I am just exhausted of this whole situation. Their is a lot more I have left out of this which leads me to believe she favors my sister, however she doesn't see it that way and I am just tired of being hurt. Just suffice it to say it will be one lonely Christmas this year.

I also feel awful because my children are also suffering through all of this. I really wish I could curl up and go to sleep for a long period of time.

Eaves Dropping In The Sauna

Today is one of those days where I have knots in my stomach and I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up thinking my alarm was going to go off, when in reality I still had three hours before it would go off and then an hour. I can't discuss what is bothering me until I have the chance to speak with my husband. I am hoping it is nothing and I am just over reacting once again. I tend to over react often, so it won't suprise me if I did it again. As for yesterday it was one of those chaotic days.

Isaac and I went to the gym, then we had family swim lessons where the instructors are teaching us the parents how to teach our little ones how to swim. However lets go back to my time at the gym, I decided after working out I would go sit in the sauna for awhile. During my sauna time their were these other two women in there and they wouldn't stop chatting with one another about their other friend whom they had nothing good to say about. They were going on about how this particular individual wasn't coping with her husband's deployment at all and how she is way to dependent upon her spouse. For one I know what it is like to have a difficult time with a deployment and to want nothing more than your husband home. I gathered this was the first deployment for this family, which is even more of a struggle if you don't have a good support group around. So my advice is rather than speaking badly of this individual, go over and help her! As a disclaimer I am not normally into eaves dropping, however these girls were not attempting to be hush about their conversation so I had no other choice but to listen or leave the sauna.

So overall my day was extrordinarily busy, between gym, swim lessons and a church activity for the girls we didn't get home until 8:15 p.m. then I had an awful night of sleep. Today seems as though it will be just as chaotic as yesterday was. I am hoping I will be able to prepare dinner tonight! I am also hoping beyond hope that my husband will call and then I will be able to resolve my piddily little issue.

Until tomorrow!

The Puppet Master

Another day has begun and I seem to be fairing pretty well. I managed to dump my bowl of cereal all over me, my son decided it was the perfect opportunity for him to jump on my lap. (LOL) My husband called me yesterday evening, yay! He called me at 3:00 a.m. his time, he had just gotten back from the field and was extremely exhausted. However he must love me because he decided to call and tell me he loved me before he headed off to bed. He was able to talk to our three year old boy but was unable to talk to our daughters as they were at swim lessons during that time. He promised he will call again soon, so he is able to talk with them.

Speaking of our daughters, last night my oldest daughter was charging her cell phone in my room. So after it completed charging, I took it off the charger and set her alarm on the phone. When I opened the phone though, I saw her screen saver said "daddy is my hero!" How precious is that?!? Our children are so amazing. Saying "our children" gets me thinking about when I was working as an alcohol and drug counselor, we were taught to teach our clients to refer to their children, spouses, mother's, father's as "the children the mother, the husband, the wife ets..." We were taught by using "my" and "our" it gave them the feeling that they were possessions and as a possession you could abuse them, neglect them or do as you want with them.

I have no problem referring to my husband as mine, I have even been contemplating placing puppet strings on him and being his puppet master. It would be quite interesting to see what I could do with him then. This may be a difficult concept with him being in Iraq though. So I suppose I will have to let the puppet master concept go for awhile.

I love my husband and I miss him a lot, I can't wait until we are in each other's arms again!

Till Tomorrow

Separated By Miles

I have decided to begin this new blog to notate the time my husband and I spend apart due to a 1 year deployment in Iraq. Damon and I have been married for 11 years and he joined the Army aprrox. 5 years ago. This is his second deployment to Iraq. I am not fond of spending time away from my husband for numerous reasons, however he has chosen this career path and I must be accepting of it. He left over a week ago and it has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster.

The first two or three days, I was unstoppable I was doing great and I wes beginning to believe this deployment was going to be easier than the first deployment. That is where I went wrong, thinking I had it made (LOL). Never tell yourself you are doing well because then the bottom is going to fall out. My husband seemed to be calling me every other day since making it to Kuwait and since this past Wed. I have not heard from him in 5 days, which is aggravating and just leads me into disturbing thought patterns. See I am a very insecure individual naturally so you can just imagine some of the colorful thoughts I can come up with.

As wives/loved ones of soldiers we carry our phones with us at all times in hopes they will call. Since hearing from him last, I have managed to become a blubbering idiot twice this weekend. Luckily I have a wonderful friend and neighbor who has allowed me to vent each time I have an episode. I think she may get fed up with this routine very shortly though...I mean who wants to deal with a spazztastic friend on a daily basis. She did mention in passing that she hopes Damon calls soon, I think she knows with a phone call from him I may get a manic moment and be happier for at least two days, rather than having my little tear fest.

So my intentions of having this blog is to write daily regarding the ups and downs of dealing with my husband being deployed. I am hoping by doing this, my friend may not have to deal with all the tears. I am also hoping it will help me when I next speak with my wonderfully amazing husband, because honestly I don't want to scream and yell at him for not calling me. Which I have been known to do, I am atleast decent enough to admit I can be extremely selfish and demanding at times.

See You All Tomorrow.