Lonely Christmas Ahead

I must want to be punished. I don't know what I have done so wrong in my life to deserve what I am going through right now. Why can't I just write my family off and say whatever! Apparently all I do is see everything in black and white and their is no gray in my distinctions (my mother's words). See my mother decided to call me this past Sunday and we had an argument, which began because she informed me that my sister, her daughter, my mother and my brother have decided to go to Disney World for Christmas, here is the kicker my sister is footing the bill for all of it. My thought is, isn't it kind of them to leave me and my children home for the holidays by ourselves. I am very angry about this whole situation, so I just let everything which was bothering me flow out!

My sister decided to celebrate this past 4th of July ar her house, which in the beginning was suppose to be celebrated at my home. However because of my mother's and sister's financial concerns they thought it would be best if we met at my sisters home. Which we did and which resulted in the most awful 4th of July I have ever experienced in my life. My sister didn't buy anything for the BBQ and she didn't find a firework display we could take our children to. When I first got there and went to the restroom, I washed my hands and noticed the hand towel appeared to be dirty so I asked if I could switch it out and her response was: It's not dirty, it is just stained. So I said alright and didn't mention anything about it again. I decided to leave there first thing on the morning of the 5th, as she made me and my children feel so uncomfortable and unwanted. Since that time I have not heard from her other than through my mother who has informed me that Erica is very upset with me for putting down her home! Fine whatever, she hasn't told me she has a problem with me and I am not about to call her and confront her.
Sunday though I decided after my mother informed me that her and my sister were going on vacation together again, I would end my silence and call my sister. I left her a very colorful message which included a tremendous amount of cussing.

This is not the only thing which came out during my conversation with my mother however, at the age of 17 my mother and her boyfriend at the time kicked me out so I lived with my boyfriend and his mother for the rest of my Junior and Senior year. Still managing to graduate with honors. Then when I was 26 years old I attempted suicide which landed me in the hospital for 5 days and my mother didn't even come up to make certain I was alright. Although she was in Eugene celebrating my sister's birthday and was only 4 hours away! Then when my husband and I invited her to go with us to Disneyland and we would pay, she absoultely refused to go with us, however several years later she went with my sister and her daughter. So in my thought process I honestly believe she favors my sister over me, however she doesn't see it that way. She says she invited Damon and I to go with them on their vacations, which is def. not true of Disneyland and as for Disneyworld it was only as an after thought. I am just exhausted of this whole situation. Their is a lot more I have left out of this which leads me to believe she favors my sister, however she doesn't see it that way and I am just tired of being hurt. Just suffice it to say it will be one lonely Christmas this year.

I also feel awful because my children are also suffering through all of this. I really wish I could curl up and go to sleep for a long period of time.